The Graduate

Carmella has finally “graduated”! After 2 years of treatment, Carmella has just finished her last chemotherapy course.

The closing of this chapter, however, is filled with mixed emotions and that she has finally “graduated” has yet to sink in.

Maybe because this joy we feel is new and has completely overwhelmed us.

Though it now seems ages since that September when Carmella was diagnosed with Acute Myelogenous Leukemia, the memories of those early days remain vivid.

What started as a fever we never imagined was already leukemia. No one can forget the rapid loss in weight due to intensive chemo, the sleepless nights spent monitoring her neutrophil count constantly praying they would improve, the high grade fever that never leaves, the vomiting, the endless trips to the toilet even when there is nothing to move and then the falling hair.

It was the most excruciating 58 days of our life for we thought we were saying goodbye.

But she overcame the induction phase, where the bone marrow was removed through chemical means so a new, leukemia free marrow can regenerate. She then went on to complete the consolidation phase in which the doses were a little milder.

That was immediately followed by a year and a half of monthly trips for the blood tests, maintenance cycle chemo therapy confinement that lasts for days instead of weeks, quarterly lumbar punctures and bone marrow aspiration, home shots I have learned to administer. Though still painful procedures, they offered us hope. Fear has been replaced with promise.

During that year and a half, our lives has become synonymous with treatment. We wanted to be spontaneous in our plans but the rigid hospital schedules and the limitations of being a chemotherapy patient prevents us. We led structured lives. It has become our new normal.

And it has changed much of us. A simple sneeze or wheezing causes much alarm. A slight fever would bring us on the verge of tears. We are constantly on our toes. There is so much to consider even when we are already on holidays. Cecille noticed I have forgotten to relax. I laughed less.

But looking at Carmella these days, it seems almost impossible we nearly lost her. She has grown into a bubbly and a cheerful child. There is no trace of that tough battle she once had gone through and won. She has learned to balance herself on a bike.

Indeed, she has "graduated". She overcame.

I can again laugh more.....

The Visit

 Some things, even it falls short from what we expected, do turn out for the better.

We were just back from a visit to our family home in Baguio. We were there for 5 days and I thought I can do some blog writing in between my biking and family. I was determined to stick to my plan only to fail miserably in the end.

I did attempt to write some stuff, two actually, but I can't seem to get over the draft stage. No matter how hard I try, I just can't organize my thoughts well.

I tried biking, even fell off my steed a couple of times, once badly spraining my right pinky, just to get the mind going. No joy there, only a sprained pinky.....

So why the writer's block?

Maybe because my body has switched to vacation mode, my conscious mind says it is but my subconscious  has yet to process the change.

Or maybe because there is this deep need to re establish my ties with my 80 year old father, to again hear and relive his stories, to immerse myself in the feeling of what it is to be his son.

Maybe because there is this unfulfilled wish to engage with my younger brother, to talk of simply anything, to have fun and a good laugh with him.

Maybe because Cecille needs to be taken on a special date, to feel what it is we felt when we were young and just starting out and Baguio has the perfect setting for that.

Maybe because I need to catch on with what I miss in this family, to reconnect, to hug my nephews, to enjoy our legacy.

Maybe because I need to go back, this time on a bike, and explore the paths that I only saw through the window of a bus while I was growing up in Loakan, to finally fulfill a promise made during the days of my youth.

Maybe, I do need a writer's block so I can do all these.

And I actually did.

Age? Probably.

It must be age.

For suddenly I found myself skipping most other sections of the dailies and would linger more on the news and the business section. I would now and then breeze through the food section, if there is one. I use to cover all but lately, I have been more selective.

I feel the entertainment section is just too glossy and is nothing but. No input here unless by input one means getting into the murkier side of someone else’s private life.

This reminds me of a family gathering I had recently where one close relative proudly related how lucky she had been to find herself in the same plane with a controversial local actress. It’s not that they were actually seatmates but that she was on the same flight was what makes everything worth talking over dinner.

She then went on to report that this particular actress was with a man other than her rumored boyfriend and then closed her piece with an analysis of how this actress’s life must be coming on.

More on the entertainment issue, on her recent blog post, a cousin picked on Noynoy Aquino's recent video ad. She zeroed in on the overwhelmingly huge number of movie stars that were in that ad. Yes, I can only agree: "It simply plays to the shallow celebrity mentality of the masses."

And sadly, Noynoy may get voted into office mainly on that thinking. Not on platform but on being celebrity-linked. I find this very, very dangerous.

I think that our country is slogging on laboriously the way it is because most would rather identify with a movie star, no matter how weak, murky or immoral their standards may be, than those who silently contribute to the uplifting of many. Only a few would instantly recognize Tony Meloto only because they themselves are driven by their passionate commitment to the poor the way Tony is.

Going back to the dailies, I really think there is just too much advert going on in too many pages. Are we less of a person because we cannot have this cell phone or that car or as fashionable as those anorexic models? The flood of adverts insists we are.

The same is echoed all over the metropolis, this time by gigantic billboards that can topple over and can kill innocent passersby. Once it actually did. Too much premium has been given on being noticed than on being trusted or being engaged with.

In one of Seth Godin’s blog on what he calls  “cable news thinking”, among others he listed that in this sort of attitude, “Things become important merely because others have decided they are important.”

This is precisely the reason why I have become selective in my readings: I will decide what is important.

Age? Probably.

The Kitchen Conundrum

I was not born a cook (though I wish I was) but current circumstances dictate I should, at the very least, know basic cooking by trying simple recipes. So its off  to the cooking channel, the food section of the major dailies and those free recipes that comes with that brand of noodles or this soy sauce for ideas.

I was looking at one recipe recently. It came with the egg noodle that Cecille would like to try. Sweet and Spicy Beef Egg Noodles, it says. It looks delectable so I thought I would give it a go.

I browse the ingredients: Canola Oil, minced chilies, garlic, egg noodles, salted black beans, down to cucumber, julienned carrots and bean sprouts.

Surprisingly, the procedure did not include the last three ingredients. I have read it four times over and still did not see the cucumber, carrots and bean sprouts being mixed in. I am no longer sure if I would try this. I might be setting myself for some disappointment.

I think that if they intend to miss on some items, perhaps it would have been better if they just wrote under Procedure “Surprise!” and nothing else. Or maybe “Explore!” which I think is better once taken on the context of a verb. Splash out all the ingredients and leave the adventure to the would-be-cook. That would be fun.

But on the second thought, wouldn’t this oversight also say something adverse about the product it was suppose to promote? How do we know they did not miss out on the important ingredients? Will it really taste genuinely egg noodles? How can we be sure if it is really safe to eat?

Oversights, it seems, are also the in-thing even with the humble but ever popular instant noodles. It has become some sort of a staple that the government uses it as price benchmark. If it remains cheap, then the economy is stable, so they say. Yeah, sure. 

It is cheap alright but is often hell getting on with. The companies try to save on convenience packaging and as a consequence those little packets are so difficult to open. And when you do, it’s all over you. All that oil, soy sauce and powdered flavors they insist as nutritious condiments splattered onto that favorite shirt. It is cheap.

So it’s back to the food channel for me. But that may even be cut short for cable rates had gone up and we decided to unsubscribe. This is indeed turning into adventure time.

Photo credit: foodie.jenius @ Flickr