Stopping for some hydration mid way
through our trail route that day, in between the panting after that
last climb, I turned to Alex and heard myself saying: “Kabsat, this
is where I breathe.”
No words. He just looked at me and,
being there since the time I learned of Cecille's prognosis,
understood what I meant.
This current journey through cancer
tosses so many questions into the mix. While I chose not to be
afraid, there are times when my reserve starts to ebb. This is when I
gear up, fill my water bottles and head towards my favorite trail
where I am sure to find my bearing, have my fill, feel life up close.
Things can get busy in there, with so
many things to remember. You have to remember that before you commit,
you need to define your line. You have to remember to keep your
balance and momentum at all times. You have to remember to focus or
else risk injury. You have to remember to stay active and loose on
the bike. Importantly, you have to remember to enjoy.
The trail can yield a lot of surprises
and what you think you know may end up on your face. Literally. That
crest ahead may appear innocent and manageable but can, in an
instant, cause your rear tire to lose traction and slide. Believe me,
the aftermath hurts.
Or when on that most critical turn your
fork decides to rise by itself and for a second there, lose all
traction. It can cause massive panic.
But there are also times when like a
little child, I let her rip. Up that berm, through those fire roads,
over those ruts and roots no matter if my bottom takes a severe
beating. The rush is worth it. The back side may be sore but the
impish grin will always be there.
Right now I am learning to bunny hop
over obstacles. I may be too late into my biking years to be trying
this. Nonetheless a personal achievement considering a wrong fall can
seriously hurt this soon to be 54 year old.
I think the most fun comes when
discovering a new singletrack. At first a sense of hesitation but I
know that as soon as I've done something once, I will be fine. And
so I pedal myself into the path, rolling down several drops and then
conquering the steep step-up that immediately followed. I triumphed!
Somehow I find all these encounters,
specially from where Cecille and I now stand, mirror life. Just like
threading into the unknown singletrack, the earlier days were filled
with uncertainties and apprehensions.
But Cecille and I, in spite of the
odds, chose to pedal on into the unknown and roll over what ever
obstacle that will be in front of us. Our hearts know this struggle
is temporary. Our hearts know we will overcome.
Someone once said what you believe
about yourself and about your world is critical. I totally agree. How
we see ourselves is essentially how we will see our world.
In this particular place, with all it's
ruts, gnarly roots, sudden climbs and jolting drops, the believing in
myself takes a renewal. It brings back my bearing, it fills my cup,
it makes me feel life up close.
It is here where the seeds that makes me
braver than brave grows and become forests.
It is here where I breathe.
