Braver than Brave

On her confinement next month, Carmella will once again go through a Lumbar Puncture and Bone Marrow Aspiration procedure.

It is a very traumatic experience both for her and us her parents. It was no coincidence that a few days ago, Cecille spoke of being “Braver than Brave.”

Though Carmella is heavily sedated and the region where the aspiration needle will be inserted is topically anaesthetized, she can still sense when it starts. The eyes may be heavy and her body limp but she will still moan when the needle starts to invade her spine.

Because most of her body is held down for the procedure except her feet, they would weakly wiggle in agony. It is a very emotional moment and it always crushes our heart. We weep.

But braver than brave is what we have to be. No matter the helplessness, no matter how heavy is the burden of seeing your daughter go through a painful procedure, we carry on the best we can and pray.

We stroke her hair hoping that through the pain she will feel we are there with her. We whisper “I love you” through her crying.  We keep whatever strength we have left for it is through us she draws hers.

Yes we try to be braver than brave.

We try to see past the suffering of the moment, embracing what hurts while focusing on what gives hope.

In spite of my own tears, I gently kiss this child so distressed with an experience she cannot understand with hope that it will calm her fears.

We keep our faith knowing it is all that we have.

We try our best to live normal lives in spite of illness and reach out to those who hurt like us.

Yes, we try to be braver than brave.

Fastfood Blues

This time I think I’ll rant.

Treatment time, or chemo time, is also fast food time for Carmella. The medicines coursing through her system alters her sense of taste she becomes very picky on what she will eat. Treatment time essentially becomes hurry time which means fast food.

But I have had enough of people who can’t seem to understand what the “fast” in “fast food” means.

I have always wondered why some remain undecided even after standing for ages on a queue in a fast food place. The offering is there, posted all over, in-your-face and can be viewed from the moon. Why then the delay when ordering? Did they know it was suppose to be “fast food" for everybody?

Surely they have long decided what to eat. It was no accident they were in that particular place on that particular time of that particular day. They must already know what they want. Why the delay at the counter then? Have they suddenly realized on the final minute they were at the wrong place? Have they somehow forgotten they wanted to eat?

What can be particularly irritating is when a family conference all of a sudden takes place right at the counter. You can always bet someone changed his mind on something. Can’t they have a food conference way before actually standing on queue, maybe some 5 kilometers before turning into the fastfood driveway? Do we upsize? Do you want that with fries?

It is equally distressing what happens on the other side of the counter. Why should those handling the money also serve the food? Haven't they been informed of issues like contamination and Swine Flu? And why do these service people, busy as they are, should still allow themselves be distracted by small talk among themselves? Do these people understand that work time is rush time in a fast food place, never a buddy time?

There is this Asian saying that goes: “You pay peanuts, you get monkeys.” So are we in for monkey service because this is just fast food?

It is now clear why my Obi Wan would rather avoid fast food. Monkey service isn't her cup of tea. Better make that her slice of tiramisu.

Where's my burger and fries???

Triumphs

After a long while I clocked 72 kilometers on my bike’s cyclometer. It’s not the first time I did this stretch but it felt good that I was able to do it again.

It was one agonizing adventure where the up hills seem endless. The cramps, the neck and back pains and the bum burn brought by prolonged stay on the saddle I could still feel.

But I would ride that route again. Am I into self-flagellation? Absolutely not. It is essentially about this father discovering and then conquering his limits.

I am the slowest in the group, constantly at the last. Maybe it’s my age or even my equipment. But one thing I can boast about is I never walked my bike over any of those horrendous climbs. I pedaled and pedaled as hard as I can and I conquered.

The road ahead can get quite lonely for the man who is in the last. But in bike rides as it is in life, it is the last man who makes sure no one gets left behind. The rest of the convoy can meander on peacefully confident someone makes sure everybody gets home.

There is so much about fatherhood that would bring one to test his limits and a dreadful illness in the family is one of them.

Still there is no stopping over that steep hill. I continue to pedal with all my strength, constantly believing that I will conquer and making sure no one gets left behind, nothing taken for granted.

Everything is precious.

(Photo courtesy of Jovy Lazan)

When bad things happen to good people

 “So sorry for the late reply. It’s an exhausting and emotionally draining ordeal. But God is merciful. Though our home is a total loss, we are whole. It is well with our soul…. God has other plans and He is freeing us of any hold material things have over us.”  7:57AM, September 28, 2009 

Ed, Chacha, Jeanine and Carlos lost everything and were literally left with only the shirt on their backs after Ketsana hit our country. Their house was in total ruin, everything they once hold dear now covered by thick mud.

Ed is a peaceful and generous man. He is the simple, humble, quiet type who, from this author’s experience, would patiently guide you through stuff and things and would linger to make sure you understood it. He will always share your excitement with you. Always unassuming, always helpful is Ed Garcia.

He is my dear friend, my prayer partner. He is God send.

This is perhaps why the Almighty blessed him with a special lady in Chacha, whose presence always creates an air of cheer. She is the happy aura, the ever contagious laugh. Together they have surely blessed so many others with their presence. 

So why should something so bad happen to these good people?

I have no answers. I can only weep and pray and hope for a very dear friend and his family.

“….. and we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.” Romans 5:2-4

(Photo courtesy of Roy R. Fabella)